Thanks to christophervisuals.com for the awesome cover photo

Thanks to christophervisuals.com for the awesome cover photo

The Blood Moon Prophecy

Do I think the four blood moons is a messenger of a coming storm? Absolutely. A world-shaking event.
—John Hagee

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
—Dr. Peter Venkman

Don’t go around tonight, well it’s bound to take your life, there’s a bad moon on the rise.
—Creedence Clearwater Revival

We’re All Gonna Die (One Day)

jhagee

As far as I’m concerned John Hagee owes me a treadmill. Because of his argument regarding the recent tetrad in outer space, I opted to stay up late watching the moon turn red while refreshing the home page of several news outlets.

Always wanted to catch a glimpse of the end of the world and the days foretold by almost every civilization to inhabit the blue planet. Look at the stars they would say, and you will see signs of our destruction as we are a doomed species.

I guess one of these days someone will get it right, but as for this one, looks like we are going to be sticking around for a while. Which is good because thanks to Hagee, I kind of let myself binge a little bit on Saturday and Sunday and have some work to do.

Pizza, pepperoni balls, barbecued chicken, giant cookies the size of old 33 ½ rpm records, regular coffee with a ton of cream and sugar, donuts, bagels, chips, ice cream, over 10 hours of televised football, zero exercise, and a Diet Coke (ahem).

Hey, if you’re going to go, go with a smile.

But we didn’t go.

We are still here and today I feel as though I have consumed several bags of concrete mix and haven’t slept in over 30 hours. Need to burn all of that stuff off and get my organs to believe that I will not carpet bomb them again with so much grease and sugar. Hence my request for a treadmill from Mr. Hagee as compensation for his Blood Moon Prophecy.

Thanks to him, the next few months of my life will be spent running hundreds of kilometers while feasting on lemon wedges, water, and kale.

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Steve Ross

It is difficult not to write satire. ― Juvenal

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