Dear Student Loan Debt Collectors
Or
How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Excuse

Dear Student Loan Debt Collector,
My closest of close confidants inform me your organization, reportedly some lender of note, wishes to receive payment for a “student loan” giveth to some chap named Julien. Obviously a mistake occurred. I have no knowledge of this gent that you mention. Normally I despise do-nothings and charlatans. I would help with your search but alas I am in hospital with little control of my faculties. My associates claim a large display of canned soup strucketh me upon the head and upon waking up believed myself to be in the 1800’s. Peppersplash, I say! I’ve been Sir Richard Bronnderdorth of the illustrious Bronnderdoths my entire life. As soon as I’m discharged I’ll send you a copy of my class photo from the Washington School for Boys Upon the Precipice of Greatness or WSFBUTPOG for short. Go Fighting Dachshunds! This will surely clear everything up. An excerpt flutters into my mind at this time. Famed naturalist Charles Darwin once said, “Man can only be the one person that he has always been due to the sciences of God whittling of man like wood….oh look, a finch!” This quote may have fallen out of favor over the centuries because everyone focuses on the finch part. Trust me in my time it’s very popular. Anyways, I know nothing of this “ delinquency” or “credit score” rambled on about. Please, at my request, cease all transmissions to my talk box or word mirror. I was wrongly accused. I’ll tell this “Julien” you seek his attention if our paths doneth ever cross.

Thank you and good day,

Sir Richard Bronnderdorth.

P.S My parents have also been strucketh upon the head, so don’t contact them either.

 

Dear Student Loan Debt Collector,
Sorry I missed your threatening emails and phone calls. In your linear view of time I ignored you for the better part of a year, (but?)for me time is intangible. While I attempted to obtain free high speed internet, I discovered a portal hidden in the crawl space beneath my house. The portal was a gateway to different dimensions. Each one incredibly different yet eerily similar to our own. A shadowy organization forced me to complete tasks in order to return to our own dimension. These hooded time jumping debt collectors wanted me back in Dimension Alpha (this current timeline in which I write) paying my loan payments.

“A debt is a debt” they screamed

It was all very Quantum Leap. Though different enough to avoid copyright infringements. I learned many things. I loved and lost. A spectrum of emotions unknown to me on Dimension Prime (Another name for our timeline. Language, like time, is kinda all over the place when dimension hopping). One world in particular I held closest to my heart. No war. No famine. Universal happiness. All inhabitants lived happily drinking smoothies accompanied with big grins. It was glorious. I search hard to fine the incident that diverted this timeline from Dimension Apex. You’ll never guess what it was! No! It wasn’t the death of a political figure. No! It wasn’t the discovery of a clean energy source. In this world, your company erased all my student loans. I know, Crazy right?!? An incredibly small gesture created endless beauty. Now, I understand you are only doing your job. If you have zero interest in the possibility of recreating this utopia then I full intend to repay my loans in full. I hope not only for myself but for humanity the right choice is made

Sincerely,

Two Star Time Hopper General Julien Llerena

 

Dear Student Loan Debt Collector,
Sorry for the 10th missed payment in a row. Do not worry, I’m knee deep in a business opportunity that will make ground on that pesky debt. By your numerous phones calls, I can only assume we are very close friends. I talk to you more than my own mother! As one friend to another, I decided to let you in on an incredibly lucrative money-making venture. To receive the full experience of this pitch, please play any track from Jock Jams. Do you enjoy financial gain? Does the destruction of a small South American mountain village turn you on? Do you like barely doing anything? Well do I have a business opportunity for you! I’m currently setting up a very profitable mining company in a developing country. My lawyer, being the stickler he is, informed me to keep the location secret. Though I will say it rhymes with Schequador. Unfortunately we do not have the total funds needed to start drilling A real fracking bummer. (Ha ha see what I did there?). You ask for one assassination of a local politician/environmentalist and all of a sudden you owe money plus your first daughter to some dude named El Guapo. Of course this doesn’t involve you. A small influx of capital from you would jump start everything. You will become our Gold Star Level primary investors and make back your initial investment tenfold. Unfortunately, we can not take payment through the regular avenues (some possible questionable legality with tariffs). But do not fret. The board and I have it covered. All you have to do is absolve me of all student loan debt. I will invest those funds back into the company. Simple, right? We’ll be converting Lady Gaia’s life blood into stacks of Benjamins in no time. Pump up the jam! Pump it up! Jock Jam! Let’s make some money together shall we?! I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Wishes,

Julien Llerena

CEO/Founder of Slam Dunk Mining LLC

 

Dear Student Loan Debt Collector,
Do you think of the outcomes of your actions? What about the end results of your insistent badgering? You need to stare hard into the mirror and answer these questions. You almost single handily started WW III. Your constant calls over missed payments nearly ended the eastern seaboard. Sayonara, Washington, D.C. Peace Out, New York. I’m deep undercover in a joint CIA/FBI task force. Rooted in the floridian swamps, I integrated myself into a dangerous homegrown terrorist cell. The initiations were brutal. My everyday amongst these savages make your nightmares look like trips to Dairy Queen. They made me eat a scorpion. A scorpion! That was really really gross. Super icky, guys. I won’t sugar coat this. I’m barely hanging in there. So imagine how I feel during an incredibly intense negotiation for black market North Korean plutonium. Wait, no. I meant South Korean. Or was it North Korean? Whoever the bad ones are. It doesn’t matter. What’s important is my phone rang. Sweaty fingers activated my phone’s speaker function. Your automated recording repeatedly shouted my name.

“Julien, your past due on payments”

“Julien, this is your final warning”

“Julien. Julien. Julien”

That name echoed throughout the abandoned warehouse. No big deal, right? It’s just a name. Wrong! To these filthy animals I’m not Julien. I go by Gunther. The toughest S.O.B to ever escape Rykers. One phone call almost toppled the house of cards I built over 5 years. They tried to kill me right there. You’re lucky I’m incredibly skilled. Through a combination of clever lies and extreme violence (I had to execute four members who I claimed were the real snitches), I reclaimed my status. It took a great toll on my psyche. I wake up sweaty with my pillow in a choke hold. My wife left. I’ve grown too quiet for her. Julien is no more. Gunther reigns. So in interest for national security, I ask you to cease all phone calls about student loans. Your country thanks you.

Never Contact Me Again,

Gunther

 

Dear Student Loan Debt Collector,
Things didn’t work out like I thought they would. It’s tough out there.

Sorry,

Julien Llerena

 

 

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Julien Llerena

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