Last Sunday Miley Cyrus walked onto the stage of the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards. She surrounded herself with a choir of virgins. The pop singer dragged a large, blood-soaked burlap sack behind her. With the help of the choir, Cyrus pulled a crumpled figure from the bag. It was President Barack Obama. She drove her claw into the President’s chest and ripped out his lungs. The blood twisted down her forearms. She ate the lungs. Her virgin choir screeched in delight.
Joe Biden attempted to save the Commander-in-Chief, but could not penetrate Cyrus’s dark magic. Her words slithered into Biden’s hips. His lower body convulsed so violently, that it liquidized his bones. The crowd watched in awed silence as the vice president spoke tearfully to the MTV viewers.
“The United States of America failed its citizens. We became a totally lame nation and ignored our potential greatness. Everything you thought was true is wrong. The only course of action now is to go into hiding. Take your closet loved ones and run. You will not survive this. No one will. But attempt to savor the tiniest bit of happiness left in the world. I’m sorry”
Cyrus crushed his skull with a Moon man statue.
The Canadian R&B singer Robin Thicke appeared from a cloud of smoke. He scalped Obama and placed the torn flesh on top of his handsome head. He took his rightful throne as King President. The rivers ran with gravy and cheese curds. Canadian sleeper agents sprung awake in the crowd. Justin Bieber brained Rihanna. Ryan Reynolds decapitated Jaden Smith. Michael J. Fox scorched Katy Perry with his pyro-kinetic powers. The audience attempted to escape the theatre but found the exit doors barricaded. Our Gracious Ruler Robin Thicke and Our Forever Mother Miley Cyrus sexed on the stage amongst the weeping celebrities. Their intercourse become so strong the Barclay Center erupted in flames.
Taylor Swift sat cross-legged in her Brooklyn rooftop science lab, many blocks away from the violence. Her phone vibrated in her pocket. It pinged a notification to her. It read:
“Clone #3276357 has perished. Cause of death: Apocalypse”
She shook her head slowly with remorse.
“That was one of my favorites”
Swift watched the fire from a distance. She looked up to the sky. No stars were visible due to the bright city lights. At the very moment, she realized how small Earth was in the universe. Loneliness smashed into her with incredible force. She slide into her bed and laid in the dark. The ceiling fan creaked.
All culture died on August 25th 2013.
*I did not watch the VMA’s or any of the performances. All information in this article was gathered through animated GIF’s and my co-workers.