George Washington Carver’s Living Outside the Shell: A ┬áMagical Exploration of Peanuts and Self


Dear Faculty and/or Members of the PTA for Shady Hills Elementary,

Curtis, my business partner, brought to my attention that no payment has been received for George Washington Carver’s Living Outside the Shell: A Magical Exploration of Peanuts and the Self presented at Shady Hills Elementary (Go Lions!). The sum being $4,000 for services performed on February 3rd, 2014. As stated in earlier emails, I’m incredibly accommodating. I accept check, credit card, money order, and traveler checks. A Pay Pal option is currently in the works. We are willing to come to an unlisted payment solution if need be.

I am not a business man. I am a simple farmer, scientist, and amazer of children. I enter all business dealings with the mindset of future friendships, not just of Seller/Customer. So it pains me to say my next sentence in such a brutish manner.

I need to be paid.

We entered a contractual agreement. I supplied the ordered good, George Washington Carver’s Living Outside the Shell: A Magical Exploration of Peanuts and the Self (Once again, at the sum of $4,000). Now you must complete the transaction.

As you know, our production included pyrotechnics, t-shirt guns, lazer lights, many smoke machines, and The Peanut Cyclone (trademark pending). Curtis and I are professionals. All elements performed perfectly. The endless amount of oh’s and awes heard in the gymnasium lead me to believe the children were dazzled. A very expensive dazzlement. $4,000 worth.

The incident with Mr. Doyle is not our fault. That can be chalked up to user error. Your judgment may be twisted by his popularity with students and co-workers. Though facts are indeed facts. We state in our literature that audience members with peanut allergies are to be kept out of the performance area. Peanut allergies are very dangerous and we take it very seriously. So imagine our surprise when I loaded a 57 year old man into The Peanut Cyclone with no knowledge of his very severe peanut allergy.

A machine marketed as the premier whirlwind peanut butter experience where users experience oneness with peanuts, soil, and mother earth.

I’ve never seen such a violent reaction to peanuts in the entirety of the show’s run. I’ve lost countless nights of sleep. The image of Mr. Doyle’s face turned deep purple from lack of air crowd my dreams. The reenforced plexiglass pounded on by his swollen fists still produce goose pimples. The worst part? The vomiting. No child should see a well respected community member amongst peanut butter and their own sick. I never enjoy to blame the victim, yet I do find fault squarely on the shoulder of Mr. Doyle. The great peanut, Curtis, and I are blameless.

Firstly, all potential life threatening allergies should be well documented for a man of his age. Perhaps, a sad side-effect of our nation’s failing healthcare system. A politician, I am not. Hopefully his health provider updated his medical records. Red Lobster’s Shrimp Fest approaches. A potential accident awaits. I only worry for his well being.

Secondly, Curtis and I are professionals. Even in his moment of distress he should’ve followed our expert instruction. This is not the venue for a detailed breakdown of The Peanut Cyclone’s complicated air lock systems or vortex cones. The process in order to stop a spinning mass of peanut butter is a lengthy one. Safety precautions must be taken. Mr. Doyle chose not to listen. Instead he kicked open the door, with the strength I only assume comes from some sort of death panic. This resulted in students covered in Mr. Doyle’s peanut butter/vomit mixture.

Again, imagine our shock when many of the children produced peanut allergy symptoms! A full investigation on the county’s health department must be launched. Your town failed the students. I care for the children. I was once one. If requested upon, I will advise on an exploratory committee. I may not be a citizen but I demand change. Hopefully you will too.

Thanks to the quick actions of Hernando County paramedics, lives were saved.. I heard Mr. Doyle is recovering at St. Jaques’ Regional Hospital. I hope he wakes from his coma soon. I find the nightly vigils for him very touching. Even if I am not allowed to attend.

Things were said as the unruly mob of parents ran Curtis and I out of town. Very harsh things. I am willing to ignore it. People handle distress differently. As soon as payment is received you’ll never hear the name George Washington Carver again. Perhaps some sympathy can be spared. The rise of peanut allergies have crippled our business. I attempted to rework the show but The Past. The Future. The Sweet Potato did not illicit the same excitement as peanuts. So please, after all the fury has subsided you can find it in your collective hearts to send us our payment. Thank you.

Your’s Truly,

George Washington Carver