Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are starring in a movie together. It’s called Escape Plan and releases everywhere TONIGHT! This should be much bigger news. Did you even know this was happening? Shame on you, Hollywood, for not spending a billion dollars on marketing this 80’s kids dream of a movie. Rocky and The Terminator! Together at last (No, I don’t count the few scenes they shared in “The Expendables)! Here’s why you should be excited about this movie. Here’s why it’s your DUTY to be excited, as an American.
The Immovable Object of Sylvester Stallone
You know that Stallone’s face is kind of hilarious, right? And he also has that crazy voice? We’ve all imitated him, and even poked a little fun at him. Did you know that his face and voice are essentially birth defects? Per wikipedia, “Complications his mother suffered during labor forced her obstetricians to use two pairs of forceps during his birth; misuse of these accidentally severed a nerve and caused paralysis in parts of Stallone’s face. As a result, the lower left side of his face is paralyzed – including parts of his lip, tongue, and chin – an accident which has given Stallone his snarling look and slightly slurred speech.” Congrats, you’ve been making fun of a retard (I kid, I kid). The legend of Sly continues. He badly wanted to be an actor, but was so broke, he decided to either rob someone, or shoot a soft core porn film. And as usual, soft cor porn won (He starred in a film that would retroactively be called “The Italian Stallion, due to the popularity of Rocky). After that, Stallone bounced around in a few other movies, but was just barely getting by. Then one night, he saw the Muhammad Ali-Chuck Wepner fight, and that inspired the basic plot of Rocky. He went home and typed up the script in a few days and began trying to sell it. A few companies were interested, one even offered 2 million bucks for it, but they wanted to use their own actor for Rocky, and Stallone insisted he star. So, he turned it down. A basically homeless man turned down 2 million bucks because he believed in himself. What happened next is basically the American dream. Sly got to be in his movie, and he became a mega star. Read the whole tale here.
The Unstoppable Force of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold’s childhood was rough. He was born in 1947, and his father had volunteered to serve in the Nazi party during World War 2. Imagine any stereotye you can think of about a strict, rule abiding, no nonsense German, and that would be Arnold’s father, Gustav (The small exception being that Gustav was Austrian, not German). He suffered what would now be called child abuse, growing up in a family that tried to break you and make you conform. To make matters worse, Gustav suspected that Arnold was not his biological son, so he treated him much more poorly that Arnold’s older brother. By the age of 14, Arnold proved himself to be a driven young man. He began his career as a body builder. Eventually he became so good at his art that he was able to move to the United States, which had always been his dream. Arnold’s personality was such that he caught the acting bug. His first break came in a film called “Hercules In New York” and he was credited as Arnold Strong. But his accent was so hard to understand his lines were dubbed over by another actor. His second film appearance he was forced to play a deaf-mute. Schwarzenegger has discussed his early struggles in developing his acting career. “It was very difficult for me in the beginning – I was told by agents and casting people that my body was ‘too weird’, that I had a funny accent, and that my name was too long. You name it, and they told me I had to change it. Basically, everywhere I turned, I was told that I had no chance.” And then a film called “Conan” happened, followed shortly by “The Terminator” and Arnold was on his way to action movie megastar.
The Irresistible Force Paradox
An underdog who believe in himself totally, pulls himself up from his bootstraps, and makes maybe the best American film ever. An immigrant with drive literally wills himself to super stardom. So, what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Escape Plan happens. Twenty years ago, this news would have broken the internet… Ya know, if Al Gore had invented it yet. But today, after each actors box office draw has waned, after a political career, and after some controversies, does America still love Sly and Arnie? I, for one, do. They both have a joy in their roles that makes me want to shove my hand in a box of popcorn and stare at a movie screen for two hours. So regardless of what the critics say about this movie, I submit that it is our duty, as Americans, to support this film which features two of the four faces on “Action Movie Mt. Rushmore.”
My nephew is hilarious. I’ve quoted him on this site before (check here, gosh!). We came up with another movie we’d like to see Sly and Arnold in. It would have no action. It would be written by Aaron Sorkin (you know, the guy responsible for tongue twisting, excessive dialogue) and it would be about two scientists struggling to discover… Something, and then struggling to prove it to some kind of committee. Can you imagine how much fun it would be to watch, and more importantly, listen to these two guys who barely speak English? They’d fumble over technical words, and scream and yell, and strut like lawyers in a courtroom when trying to prove their point to the committee. This movie needs to get made, period.
Bonus Bonus Material
Inspired by my take in this article, I have decided the Sorkin, Stallone, Schwarzenegger movie should in fact be called “The Irresistible Force Paradox”. The dynamic duo should try multiple experiments that see what happens when an unstoppable force does in fact, meet an immovable object. They mistakenly invent some kind of bomb eraser. Then they show their findings at the Nobel Peace award ceremony, as a last minute entry, and basically create world peace.