Ah, wedding season.
- Wear jeans (or any other casual attire). I’ve seen a lot of people get married recently. Their family and friends happily upload pictures on Facebook that they took of their loved one’s joyous occasion. After I see how beautiful the bride looked and how cute their decorations were, my attention turns to the guests. Most of the time I am CRINGING at what they decided to wear. To the man who thought to himself, “Yes, these cargo pants, ratty old tennis shoes, and wrinkly white polo shirt is very wedding appropriate”, seriously? You’re not at Olive Garden, you’re at your niece’s wedding. Unless you know for a FACT that the wedding you are attending is super casual, do NOT wear jeans or yoga pants or that one sweatshirt you wore in high school or flip flops or anything else of the sort. You should know better.
- Wear white. Are you crazy? The bride might spill merlot on you and stain that pretty white dress you were so excited to wear (TO A WEDDING?!) just to teach you a lesson.
- Dress like you’re going to the club/dance like you are at the club. What the hell are you thinking? Why are you grinding to Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud? Why are you not wearing underwear? Is that “thirsty” bedazzled on the butt of your jeans?
- Stay on your phone the whole time. I have actually witnessed someone who was on their phone through an entire ceremony. They were just texting, tweeting, and Facebooking away. When you’re on your phone the whole time, you miss what the night is about. Yeah, the bride and groom might have a really cute wedding hashtag that they’d love for you to use. However, that does not mean that they want you on your phone ALL NIGHT uploading pictures. Upload a couple and save the rest for tomorrow. Enjoy watching two people promise forever to each other. Your followers on Twitter will understand.
- Block the professional photographer from getting a shot because you’re in the aisle with your iPad. The bride and groom are paying a good bit for a professional photographer to capture their big day. If they wanted your blurry iPad/iPhone pictures they would have hired you. Put down the iPad and enjoy the ceremony with #nofilter.
- Bring a plus one when the bride and groom asked for no plus ones and/or bring someone that the bride and groom do not care for. Yes, this really happens sometimes. If there is not a plus one option on the RSVP card, do NOT bring a plus one. Also, do not bring someone who you know would upset the bride and groom. For example, an ex. Come on, do you want a fight to break out?
- Ask other guests how much they think the venue/dress/food/wedding as a whole costs. The safest bet is to assume that it all cost a million dollars.
- Get sloppy drunk. So, the wedding you’re at has an open bar. Awesome. Have a couple of drinks, by all means! Just watch yourself. Do you really want to be THAT guy? The one people are whispering about in the corner saying things like, “Do you see Johnny McDrunkerson over there slurring his words?” and “We’re at a formal occasion, not a bar. How tacky.” If you feel yourself getting to the point of no return, dial it back a bit. Have a cup of water. Eat a piece of cake. A wedding is not the place to get plastered. If you DO get to the point of no return, go hide in the bathroom or something. God forbid you throw up on anyone. Especially the bride.
- Talk during the speeches and/or ceremony. Don’t be rude. You can wait a few minutes to argue with the person next to you about the “illusion” dress. (It’s totally blue and black anyway.)
- Complain about the food. It’s free food. Why are you complaining about free food? Oh, there are tomatoes in your salad and you don’t like tomatoes? Pick them out if it’s that big of a big deal. You don’t like the flavor of cake they have? That’s cool.
- Slurp your venti frappuccino from Starbucks during the entire ceremony. First of all, why are you bringing food/drinks to a wedding? Do you have small children that require snacks every ten minutes to keep them calm? No? Then why the hell are you bringing food to a wedding? Especially that coffee milkshake you’re not so subtly slurping during the vows? I get it, the ceremony can get kind of boring and you need to stay awake. How about next time down a shot of espresso before you get to the venue, yeah?
- Corner the bride and groom every spare second they get and give them “marriage advice”. It is very nice of you to give your words of wisdom to the newlyweds. I’m sure they appreciate it, too. But, dammit, Aunt Carol don’t follow the bride into the bathroom to tell her for the fourteenth time, “don’t ever go to bed angry”. Write it on those cute pieces of paper they have up front and drop it in the bucket that says “marriage advice” on it. GOSH AUNT CAROL!
- Give a speech when you’re just a plus one and/or drunk. Do you even know the people who are getting married? No? Don’t give a speech. Are you drunk? Yes? Don’t give a speech. One of the WORST things you could ever do would be to give a speech at someone’s wedding when you’re drunk and/or don’t know the couple. I get that the Adele song they have playing right now has you feeling some sort of way, but put down the mic and back away slowly. Your drunken and very depressing speech
mightwill be plastered all over the internet.
- Propose to someone. No. Just no.